After supporting many children to understand and manage their big feelings in my practice as a psychologist, today I share my most useful tips for helping children regulate their emotions.
For such little people, children can certainly have some big feelings! Like all of us, children experience a range of emotions throughout the day. But unlike us, they have less experience managing these emotions, and they may even worry that there’s something wrong with them. Feeling strong emotions is a normal and healthy part of development and should be something we encourage. You can help children regulate their emotions through providing consistent support and loving reassurance. Read on to learn how.
start with co-regulation
Very young children have little ability to soothe themselves when they’re feeling upset. Parents and caregivers can provide the foundations for self-regulation to develop by focusing on co-regulation. To co-regulate, you tune in and respond to your child’s needs, feelings and concerns.
Using your voice, facial expressions, gestures and movements, you provide comfort and calm. One of my favourite ways to do this is to take deep breaths whilst holding my little one close. It helps me stay calm and models self-soothing through deep breathing.
accept all feelings
Western culture places more value on ‘positive’ emotions over ‘negative’ emotions. Many people actively seek to distract themselves or avoid experiencing anything uncomfortable. Sometimes we haven’t learned how to soothe ourselves in healthy ways.
We need to remember that feelings come and go and don’t reflect our core personality, values or beliefs. Giving too much priority to ‘positive’ emotions can prevent us from the important growth, learning, and understanding that comes from ‘negative’ feelings.
Accept the full range of feelings your child shows. This teaches them that all feelings are safe and that you love and accept them, no matter what they’re experiencing.
help your child identify their feelings
Learning the language of feelings helps us to communicate them more effectively. It’s easier to seek support from others when we can articulate what we’re feeling and what we need.
Get down to their level, speak calmly and kindly, and help your child label their emotions. Try using open invitations such as “I’m wondering if you’re feeling…” or “I can see you have big feelings right now. Are you feeling ____?”. This allows your child to reflect.
You may need to give your child time to calm down first. When we’re experiencing intense anger, sadness, or even excitement, it can be hard to connect with the parts of our brain that process language.
validate and empathise
Normalise their feelings and show you understand what they’re going through. You can empathise by acknowledging that what they are feeling is difficult or might feel uncomfortable in their bodies, and explain you’ve felt that too. Reassuring children that everyone feels difficult feelings sometimes helps normalise their experience and makes it easier for them to empathise when they see others feeling upset. For more tips on encouraging your child’s empathy, read this.
avoid rushing to distraction or solutions
Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable or inconvenient for us when we see our child feeling sad, angry or scared. We want the best for our children and our instinct might be to remove pain by distracting them or jumping to a solution.
Try to slow down and stay present with your child. Breathing through your own feelings and holding space for theirs lets them know that emotions aren’t something to be afraid of. It also shows that you accept and love them no matter what they’re feeling, and that you’re a safe person to witness their emotional experience.
teach coping strategies
One of the traps I often hear parents fall into (myself included!) is trying to teach coping strategies during or immediately after their child has had a big tantrum/angry outburst/crying session etc.
Have you ever been really upset about something and then had your partner or friend immediately jump into trying to tell you how to manage that emotion or situation? My guess is you didn’t really feel seen or heard and you probably weren’t in the right mind set to take on any advice or learning!
Teaching coping strategies is definitely important. But hold off trying to teach or practice new skills for times when your child is content and calm. It’s hard to learn anything when we’re stressed or exhausted from being upset.
Modelling is a great way to teach coping. My preschooler practically rolls his eyes now when he hears “My body is feeling tense and I’m starting to feel angry, I’m going to take a few quiet minutes to do some big slow breaths”. At the same time, I’m just starting to notice him trying to copy when he has low-level irritation. Which brings me to my next tip…
be patient (even though it’s easier said than done)
I’m a 30-something grown woman, with many years training in psychology, who still has times when I struggle to regulate my emotions (like doing bedtime solo after a long week!). I’m sure you have times where despite your best intentions, knowledge and years of practice, you still lose it or don’t manage to self-regulate. We all do. We’re human.
So try to keep things in perspective and be patient as your little one develops and learns more about the ways their body and brain feels things and how to manage their emotions effectively. It takes a lot of practice for us to be able to respond a new way when we’re dysregulated.
If you want further help and information about supporting your child with their emotions, feel free to get in touch and find out about booking a session with me.
